I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
