I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
