we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
