So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
