Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
