gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize