my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sober January is a disaster.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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