What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
do herpes really smell.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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