So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
