if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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