dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
