Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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