I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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