i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
