So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
