I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
