I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
