I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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