Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
