somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
