I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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