You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
not ubering you a puppy
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
