If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
