i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
