I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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