i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
