3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
