I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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