I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
