I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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