Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
