you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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