Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
