I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
