Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
