I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
