If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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