I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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