I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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