i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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