Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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