I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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