So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
