im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
