it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think your dad took our porno
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
