so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
