i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
