Porn is love you can see.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
