I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
