I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
